Tell Us a Joke!

Matthew Perry told a joke on the show that had the audience split down the middle. Do you have a funnier joke than Matthew's Peach joke? Tell it to us! Send it to Ellen here, and she might read it on the show!

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Anita McCants
451 days ago

Two eggs were kissing on a bed when the female egg said, "I have to
go change. I'll be back in a minute."

Five minutes later, the the female egg walked out in a slinky
'egg'lige, rubbing her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped

Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head,
covering it completely.

"What are you doing?," the female egg asked.

He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on
the head with a spoon."

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Corlene Bartels
451 days ago


I see you celebrated Cinco de Mayo. Are you going to also celebrate Syttende Mai on the 17th of May. My Norwegian blood is jealous.

Love, Corlene

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Pam Farris
451 days ago

Check out the SSPRAK team in Terre Haute IN. Kids write post it notes about random acts of kindness and put on a wall in hallway. Lost Creek Elementary School is one. Supporting Special People Random Acts of Kindness

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Jane Verkouteren
451 days ago

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
•I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
•When chemists die, they barium.
•Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
•A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
•I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
•How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
•I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
•This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
•I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
•I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words •They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
•A dyslexic man walks into a bra .
•PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
•Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
•Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.
•The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.
•I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
•Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
•When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
•What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
•I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
•Broken pencils are pointless.
•What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
•I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
•I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
•All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
•I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
•Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
•Velcro - what a rip off!
•Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
•Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
•Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
•I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

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451 days ago

If your'e American in the living room what are you in the restroom? European!

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kathy robart
451 days ago

A joke for you. Why didn't the Bicycle cross the road? He was two tired!

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Tammy Phillips
451 days ago

When my son was in the 3rd grade, he came home from school and told me this joke.
Where do bee's go to the bathroom?
At a BeePee station.
I thought you might like it for your classic joke Tuesday.

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Melody Benner
454 days ago

Hi Ellen, just wanted to send you a classic joke Tuesday

Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?
To get a long little doggy.

Love your biggest fan

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Karen Gonzales
454 days ago

Do you know what Cinco De Mayo means? It when they open the first Taco Bell.

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Deena Viehmann
455 days ago

Hi Ellen

I loved Matthews joke about the peach, I recorded it so my husbands could see it.

I have a classic joke for you, this is a original.

My husband tells jokes all the time and mostly forgets he is not with the guys at the bar. My son was about 7 years old and my husband started to tell him a joke but I had to stop him and remind him that was not appropriate for a 7 year old who of course will tell all his friends. So my husband came up with a appropriate bar joke for our son and his friends.

"So this guy walks into a bar and ;;;;;; konk ;;;;; hit his head"

Our son and his friends are in the mid twentys now and that joke still sometimes comes up in conversation.

Have a Great Day Ellen

Chandler Az

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Julie Knudsen
455 days ago

I wanted to send you a link to a video of a fun-loving, inspirational guy that I saw on Facebook. I don't even know him, but I loved his impromptu dance.


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459 days ago

this is another one
long time no C

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459 days ago

this joke is for matthew,
baba baba black sheep, have you any wool?

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nancy basara
463 days ago

i heard the joke but did not get it, so i would like to tell you one of my own.
A man walks into a bar with a mushroom and puts it on the counter. Bartender "what is that he asks? Man " It's a mushroom. Bartender"I know what it is but what is it doing on my counter? Man, "it talked to me". Bartender "mushrooms do not talk. If that mushroom talked to you I will give you a free drink? What did it say to you? Man"It told me that he was a fungi. as in Fun Guy. HA HA nancy basara

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Taryn Stermer
464 days ago

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?


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