Tell Us a Joke!

Matthew Perry told a joke on the show that had the audience split down the middle. Do you have a funnier joke than Matthew's Peach joke? Tell it to us! Send it to Ellen here, and she might read it on the show!

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Comments

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Cindy Kelly
54 days ago

Ellen here is one for you for clasic joke tuesday. How did they catch the streaker that hid in the church? They caught him by the organ!!! lololo

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larry lawson
86 days ago

What did the Buffalo say to his son when he left for College? BISON !

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pamela diamond
229 days ago

what is the german word for bra?
stopemfromfloppin

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Teri Moore
231 days ago

Hi Ellen I wanted to share a joke with you!

How do you catch a UNIQUE rabbit?

U Neek up on it!

How do you catch a TAME rabbit?

The TAME way!

I hope you enjoyed my joke! Have a wonderful day!

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jeff bune
259 days ago

Here is a joke A man loses his left arm and left leg he is all right now

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Joanne
275 days ago

Ellen, here's a good joke to add to your classics:
"A church needed someone to ring their bell and the only applicant was a man with no arms. He told them, "Don't worry, give me a chance, I will figure something out." So the bishop hired him. The man used his face and head to push the bell and was able to fulfil his duty. Some time later, he unexpectedly dropped dead in the bell tower. When they found him someone asked, "Does anybody know this guy?" and someone answered, "No, but his face rings a bell."
Big smiles and laughter, back at you :D!
From Joanne and Justin in Trinidad & Tobago in the Caribbean

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Charlene Pennington
279 days ago

How does a ghost patch his Sheets?
He uses pumpkin patches!!!
Thought it was so cute

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Fran Phillips
410 days ago

HI Ellen, I was a hair stylist in a retirement home for 21 years. I have a great love for seniors. One of my your ladies (92) told me her favorite joke hope you will share it:
What do senior ladies have between their BOOBS that young ladies do not?

A BELLY BUTTON !!!

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Laura Hardy
410 days ago

Love you Ellen you have such a good heart! I have a joke for you.
What did the snail say when riding on the back of the turtle?
WHEEEEEE!!

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Bill Apfel
431 days ago

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mom fainted.

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Wenda J Winkler
439 days ago

Ellen: How does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Tony: I don't have any idea, how does the man in the moon cut his hair?

Ellen: Eclipse it.

Thought of you right away Ellen when I heard this....Enjoy:)

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Judy K. Codella
440 days ago

HOW DO YOU WAKE UP LADY GAGA??

poker face get it Poke Her Face..laffffffff

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susie basso
440 days ago

Joke: Why did the duck cross the road?
He was being chased by a chicken. Ha Ha

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Jennifer Carrick
441 days ago

Hey Ellen!

You've heard of Gandhi, right? Well he never wears shoes, making his feet super rough around the edges. He also went on several hunger strikes, making him very frail and fragile. Due to his odd eating habits, he also had VERY VERY bad breath.... That would make him, a super-calloused, fragile, mystic, hexed with halitosis!


When she found out she was pregnant with twin boys, Beth and her husband knew they could not afford to keep the baby's, so they decided to give them up for adoption. One son was adopted by a couple in Egypt, and was named Ahmal. The other son was adopted by a family in Costa Rica, and was named Juan. On his 18th birthday, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth-mother. Crying hysterically, Beth said "Juan looks so handsome! I wish I could see what Ahmal looks like!"... to which her husband replied "Honey, they're twins. If you've seen Juan you've seen Ahmal!"

What Do you get when you throw a bomb into a kitchen in France?
Linoleum Blownapart

Did you know that there's a certain breed of antelope that can jump higher than the average house? This is due to its powerful hind legs, and the fact that the average house cannot jump.

Love you Ellen!
Jenn Carrick

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Debra Dubord
441 days ago

Three men walked into a bar. You would think ONE of them would have saw it.

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