Ellen has a new weekly tradition called "Classic Joke Wednesday," and her fans are really into it! We've been getting submissions from EllenTV.com, Twitter, and Facebook! Check out the best of Classic Joke Wednesday!

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Comments

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DeeAnn Greene
428 days ago

I want to submit a joke for Classic Joke Tuesday- since Ellen loves to dance, I thought this would be perfect:

How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.

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Millena
428 days ago

Hi Ellen I have a joke ..
My sister can not get enough of you tell me, is the following: what is a blue dot on the plane
Answer: A aeromosca
kkkkkkkkkk
bjsss

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Nancy Trainer
428 days ago

A joke for Tuesday-
What do you call a dinosaur with extensive vocabulary, a Thesaurus....

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Kylee Barker
429 days ago

Got a GREAT joke that I got from a friend of mine who passed away.

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I can't serve you!"
The mushroom says, "why not? I'm a fungi!"

Wakka wakka wakka!!

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lisa willmett
435 days ago

Ellen, this is a joke from my 13 year old granddaughter, which by the way every Tuesday I text her your jokes! So today she sent this: How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it!

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Justin Fry
443 days ago

Here's a two parter, well... sorta

How do you wake up Lady Gaga? You Poker face!

How does Lady Gaga like her steak? Raw Raw rawrawraw....

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Charles E Dubs
443 days ago

Where were French Fries made. Answer: in Greese

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Luis J. Montes
443 days ago

A cop pulls over a driver
cop replies congratulations sir you won a thousand dollars
driver replies why
cop: you were wearing your seat-belt during our safety contest
so what are you going to do with the $1,000
driver: well i guess I'll get my drivers license.
wife on the passenger seat replies " sorry officer my husbands always dumb when he's drunk
a guy in the back says "i told you they'll catch us with this stolen car"
there's a thud in the trunk and a voice says 'have we past the border yet"

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Luis J. Montes
443 days ago

A truck driver comes into a McDonald's drive in.
Window man ask what kinda truck he drives
Trucker: A BIG MAC

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Jessica
443 days ago

I thought today's joke was CLEVER. Clover? Clever?

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Barb
449 days ago

What is the difference between brocolli and boogers?

KIDS WON'T EAT BROCOLLI. (LMAO)

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Barb
449 days ago

What is the difference between brocolli and boogers?

KIDS WON'T EAT BROCOLLI. (LMAO)

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Carol
450 days ago

Ellen, this joke is from my daughter Kaynnah Behr...

Why don't ducks tell jokes while they're flying?

Because they might quack up..

she is only 7.... we watch your show everyday at 4pm!

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kathy stull
450 days ago

Chicken Surprise


A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order
the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron
pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of
the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking
around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He
hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains
what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'

(You're going to love this, and you're going to hate
yourself for loving it!...)

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking
Duck



(SOMETIMES I PRETEND TO BE NORMAL
But it gets boring, so I go back to being me!)

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Sandy Penny
450 days ago

JOKE: I awoke to a shaggy dog story in my head a few days ago, so wanted to share it ... An older woman had been a hooker and exotic dancer her whole life. Her act included two little dancing dogs. She awoke one morning to find they had died a peaceful death of old age. She was inconsolable. One of her regular guys showed up with two little puppies just like the ones she lost. She said, I can't take those. Don't you know you can't teach and old trick new dogs? ... Can you believe I'm telling myself jokes in dreamtime?

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