Ellen has a new weekly tradition called "Classic Joke Wednesday," and her fans are really into it! We've been getting submissions from EllenTV.com, Twitter, and Facebook! Check out the best of Classic Joke Wednesday!

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Angie
207 days ago

What's blue and smells like yellow paint?

Blue paint! LOL

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Robyn Gerrard
211 days ago

Here's a classic joke, Ellen! "What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot-dog vendor? Can you make me one with everything?". Love you and your show, Ellen.
Robyn from MA

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Nancy Ann Geraths
211 days ago

Ellen, Whenever I'm sad; or in pain from health issues; I turn on your show and sit and laugh so hard that I forget what I was upset for:) You inspire me to be positive and enjoy my life to its fullest and without you in my life, it is like no humor to hang on too:) God Bless you my dear Ellen! I love you very much! Never stop your show!

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Laura
212 days ago

I wasn't sure where to submit a classic joke, so I am posting it here.

Why don't birds wear underware?
Because their pecker in on their face :)

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Cindy West-Wallin
212 days ago

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef

What do you call a cow having a spasm? Beef Jerky

What did the baby digital clock say to the mommy digital clock? Look ma, no hands!

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Charlynn Robinson
215 days ago

My 6 year old nephew told me these 2 jokes while camping and thought you could use them for your classic joke segment.

Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don't work!

Why do fish swim in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Thought these were to cute!

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Charlynn Robinson
215 days ago

My 6 year old nephew Ahnner told me these while camping and thought you could use them in Classic Joke segment.

Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don't work!

Why do fish swim in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!

I thought he did a good job telling these and they are cute!

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Jason Hanson
216 days ago

What did the mamma cat say when her baby did something funny?

"Are you kitten me right meow?"

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Carol
219 days ago

Growing up around rodeo we had to be able to tell the difference between horses.......so my brother Jack came up with a great way to tell some differences.......how do you tell if a horse is from Oregon? you lift up his tail and if there's an "o" there he's from Oregon......hahahahaha......first time I heard that I couldn't quit laughing.....it cracked me up......have a great day

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Molly
219 days ago

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?


Ba-na-na-na-nah

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Tawana
241 days ago

What did the baby bird say to the other baby bird when they an orange in the nest?

Look at the orange mama laid (get it: Orange Marmalade)

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Jordan Gibbs
248 days ago

What do you call a superhero storm?

A Thornado!

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Michael
268 days ago

First of all I would like to talk about my life when I was in Ghana before I came to the united state and became a citizen of united of Africa. In Ghana were I was born life was very hard and difficult , but I didn't let that disturb me or stop me from focusing on school or achieving my goal. I went to school everyday and I never miss school in my life during my days in Ghana . I made sure that I study harder, devote my all time and life to school. I made sure that I never get a low grade and I also made sure that even though life in Ghana was harder and difficult I focused all my mind in school and concentrate on my books. Later my mom came to the united to stated in the 1990sand started a new a life and she became a citizen .When I was 15 years old she brought me to the united state in June 2008 and then I few months later I became a united sated citizen. When I came to the united state I was so happy and the best part was when I became a citizen . I am really thankful, proud and greatly to be citizen (naturalize)of the united. My parents then left back to Ghana to never come back because the economy was so hard. I stayed in New York Ever since I came to the state it has been so difficult, I had nowhere to stay after my parents left to Ghana. I slept on the street for like six months and sometime had to go to people's house to clean their bathrooms for money and food. It was really difficult to find a job without a high school diploma. One day it was raining and had nowhere to go so I decided to go to the Bronx train station to sleep on the benches over there, I slept for some hours then after a while a train arrive, I wanted to go on the train just sleep and ride it till wherever it takes me to but I had no money for the train so sneaked on to the train. After some hours on the train it stopped at place where I really had no Idea about and I was really scared that I would be caught on the train without a ticket so I got off the train. The place where the train stopped was called Ansonia Connecticut. Now I was at place I had no idea about and I didn't know anybody. I worked about around for hours in Ansonia trying to find place to sleep for the night. All of a sudden I found a abandon house full of trash and mice. I stayed there for like awhile then one day I was walking by someone's house and saw this news papers in a yellow plastic bag. So I took it and opend it, I decide to read it and look through it because I had nothing today and also wanted to kill the time. I was goin through the news paper then I came across this school named Emmett O'Brien Tech saying accepting application ( enroll now). So I went to the Ansonia library to use the internet and I filled out the application. After two weeks I went to the school to find out if I got accepted because they had noway of contacting me because I had no cellphone or mailing address, I only had a email account which I forgot to put in my application. So I went to the school and they told me I have been accepted. I started high school in September 2008. My first day at school I had no uniform or class tools. So my teacher Mr Roger Giori bought my uniforms and tools for me and he helped me through out my high school years. My first day in class I was so quiet and surprised because the school was big,amazing and it has all the education materials. After my first day at school I set a goal that I will study hard, concentrate on school, get the highest grade in my grade and never miss school in my life ( devoting all my life and time to school and my books). After some months I made some friends. From my freshmen year through my junior I was living with my friend Joseph Estephan he knew about my situation and decided to help me. He graduated on my junior year so now I had to find a place cause he wasn't going to be around so my friend ronni took me in, his parents where so nice. I stayed there for a while then they helped me find a job at stop&shop it was a temporary job. Through out my high school this was all my achievements ; Certificates: High School Diploma, General education, Electrical Engineering Certificate. Awards: High Honor Student Award (9th to 12th grade),Outstanding Academic Excellence Award (from the president of the United States),Merritt Award,Student of the Month Award
All State Soccer Award,Top Ten Graduating Senior Award,National Occupational Competency Testing Institute (NOCTI) certificate. Stayed with my friend ronni till I graduated high school. After graduating I stayed there with them for like two months and then I had to leave so they help me find an apartment at the Ansonia YMCA ( for only single men). So I got the apartment then they helped me move in and help me with some things to start with. After a month later I applied to UCONN, Syracuse and Michigan State but I only got accepted to Michigan states and UCONN for a double major Electrical Engineering and Criminal Justice ( law enforcement) but I couldn't go because I had no money and my Financial aid couldn't go through because my parents where not here to fill out the parental income parts. Right now I'm still living at the YMCA and I just got let go at my only job that helps me pay for my rent. I been trying to find job, I filled out like 20 job application still no one is hiring. My land lord is going to kick me out if I don't pay for my rent and when I get kicked out I have nowhere to go but only the street.Please Ellen I'm on my knees and begging you in Gods name please help me. I'm suffering and I have no help from anywhere. Everyday I'm thinking about taking my life because I'm going through hardship. No food, no money for rents and I'm thinking about going to college but no money and job is hiring in Ansonia. I only get $24 a money as food stamp money. Please help me Ellen I dearly need help. I want to tell you more about my life but the story is too long to write so incase by any chance I get to meet you I would tell you the rest of the story of my life. The above story is just 20 percent of the full story of my life. Thank you so much for taking the time read this. God bless you. Please I need your help. I hope you find a place in your beautiful heart to help me please

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Jim Deevers
281 days ago

How do u know when a banana is sick, (it don't peel good). Why can't u tell a secret in a corn field? (Cause of all them ears). How do u top a car? ( u tep on da brake tupid)

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ken grandy
298 days ago

another classic:

two cannibals eating a clown,
one say's to the other
"does this taste funny?"

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