Ellen has a new weekly tradition called "Classic Joke Tuesday," and her fans are really into it! We've been getting submissions from EllenTV.com, Twitter, and Facebook! Check out the best of Classic Joke Tuesday!
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Ellen, this is a joke from my 13 year old granddaughter, which by the way every Tuesday I text her your jokes! So today she sent this: How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it!
Here's a two parter, well... sorta
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? You Poker face!
How does Lady Gaga like her steak? Raw Raw rawrawraw....
Where were French Fries made. Answer: in Greese
A cop pulls over a driver
cop replies congratulations sir you won a thousand dollars
driver replies why
cop: you were wearing your seat-belt during our safety contest
so what are you going to do with the $1,000
driver: well i guess I'll get my drivers license.
wife on the passenger seat replies " sorry officer my husbands always dumb when he's drunk
a guy in the back says "i told you they'll catch us with this stolen car"
there's a thud in the trunk and a voice says 'have we past the border yet"
A truck driver comes into a McDonald's drive in.
Window man ask what kinda truck he drives
Trucker: A BIG MAC
I thought today's joke was CLEVER. Clover? Clever?
What is the difference between brocolli and boogers?
KIDS WON'T EAT BROCOLLI. (LMAO)
What is the difference between brocolli and boogers?
KIDS WON'T EAT BROCOLLI. (LMAO)
Ellen, this joke is from my daughter Kaynnah Behr...
Why don't ducks tell jokes while they're flying?
Because they might quack up..
she is only 7.... we watch your show everyday at 4pm!
Chicken Surprise
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order
the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron
pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of
the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking
around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He
hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains
what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'
(You're going to love this, and you're going to hate
yourself for loving it!...)
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking
Duck
(SOMETIMES I PRETEND TO BE NORMAL
But it gets boring, so I go back to being me!)
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JOKE: I awoke to a shaggy dog story in my head a few days ago, so wanted to share it ... An older woman had been a hooker and exotic dancer her whole life. Her act included two little dancing dogs. She awoke one morning to find they had died a peaceful death of old age. She was inconsolable. One of her regular guys showed up with two little puppies just like the ones she lost. She said, I can't take those. Don't you know you can't teach and old trick new dogs? ... Can you believe I'm telling myself jokes in dreamtime?
I know its not Tuesday here in New Zealand but I dont care and Im kind of just commenting assuming its Tuesday somewhere else.
Whats red and looks like a bucket?
------> A RED BUCKET
Knock knock
Who's there
Adolph
Adolph who
Adolph ball hit me in da mout and dats why I talk dit way
Two Jokes for Tuesday:
1) I took my dog to the vet, concerned that everytime the dog hears a bell, he goes and sits in the corner. The vet said it was natural for him to do that, because "He is a Boxer" Budumpump.
2) A budy of mine (Hank )was out hunting with another buddy when he accidentally shot him. Frantically, he called 911 and told them he thinks he has killed his friend while hunting; explaining how the accident happened. The 911 operator encouraged Hank to calm down, saying, well - first, what you need to is make sure your friend is actually dead. Hank told the operator to hold, following which the operator heard two quick gun-shot blasts. A few seconds later, Hank returned to the phone and told the operator "Yes, ok, I made sure; now what?"
Two Jokes for Tuesday:
1) I took my dog to the Vet, due to my concern that whenever he hears a bell ring, he goes and sits in the corner. The Vet said "It is natural behavior, because he is a Boxer".
2) My buddy, (Hank) went hunting with another buddy and accidentally shot him. Frantically, Hank called 911 and told the operator that he shot and thinks he killed his hunting partner; explaining how it happened. The 911 operator tried to calm Hank down and told him, well, first, you need to make sure he's actually dead. While waiting for Hank's response, the operator heard two gun-shot blasts. Then, moments later, Hank came back on the phone and said "Yes, I'm sure of it, now what?"