Ellen's got a new weekly tradition called "Classic Joke Monday," and her fans are really in to it! We've been getting submissions from EllenTV.com, Twitter, and Facebook! Check out the best of Classic Joke Monday!

Classic jokes


Why did the Indian Chief have so many hats? To keep his wigwam. -Ellen


What street does the ghost live on? A dead end. -Ellen


What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite. -Ellen


What did the pumpkin fencing champion say to his opponent? En gourd! -Ellen


What was the pessimist's blood type? B negative. —Ellen


Why was the strawberry in trouble? He got in a jam! —Ellen


What's a pirate's favorite place to visit? Argentina! —Ellen


How did the rabbit propose to his girlfriend? With a 14 carrot ring. —Ellen


What sound does a bird's phone make? Wing wing! —Ellen


Why am I wearing a tutu? Because the one one was to small and the three three was too big. —Ellen


Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils. —Ellen


Why couldn't the pony sing? Because he was a little horse. —Ellen


What did the ghost say to the bee? "Boo bee!" —Ellen

Lauren Graham

Guess what I'm making for Thanksgiving. Reservations. —Lauren Graham

Elaine B.

Why don't elephants play poker in the jungle? Too many "cheetahs." —Elaine B.

Tabatha E.

What do you give a sick pig to make him better? Oinkment. —Tabatha E.

Bailey G.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? A mirror. —Bailey G.

Renee R.

Why did the peanut call 911? Because it was a salted. —Renee R.

Emily S.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because it was feeling crumby. —Emily S.

Erik S. from Falun, Sweden

How do you know if a patient is an alcoholic? If the doctor gives him a shot. —Erik S. from Falun, Sweden

Connie B.

What sits on the bottom if the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck. —Connie B.

Eva S. from Phoenix, Arizona

Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog? He wanted to "get a long little doggy." —Eva S. from Phoenix, Arizona

Erica S. from Battle Ground, Washington

Wanna hear a good joke about pizza? Never mind, it's too cheesy. —Erica S. from Battle Ground, Washington

Alejandra R. from Calgary, Alberta

What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear.—Alejandra R. from Calgary, Alberta

Myranda M.

What did the pillow say when it fell off the bed? "Oh sheet!" —Myranda M.

Jayla T. from Edmonton, Alberta

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle. —Jayla T. from Edmonton, Alberta

David L.

What was the Energizer Bunny arrested for? Battery. —David L.

The Ellen DeGeneres Appreciation Society on Facebook

What do you call a bunch of Barbies standing in a row? A Barbie queue. —The Ellen DeGeneres Appreciation Society on Facebook

Caitlyn L.

Why do melons always have big weddings? Because they cantaloupe. —Caitlyn L.

Jennifer K. from Pensacola, Florida

Whats brown & sticky? A stick. —Jennifer K. from Pensacola, Florida

Beth K. from Manassas, VA

Why don't witches have babies? Because their husbands have holloweenies.—Beth K. from Manassas, VA

Liz K. from Irwin, PA

What would you find on a haunted beach? A sand-witch! —Liz K. from Irwin, PA

Beth D. from Ktichener, Canada

Why was the bee flying down the road with its legs crossed? It was looking for a BP station! —Beth D. from Ktichener, Canada

Cheryl-Lynn Z. from Wetaskiwin Alberta, Canada

What do you call a fish with no eyes? FFFFSH —Cheryl-Lynn Z. from Wetaskiwin Alberta, Canada

Becky G. from Saint Clair Shores, MI

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence??? Time to get a new fence!!! —Becky G. from Saint Clair Shores, MI

Karen G. from Port Angeles, WA

Why was the period crying? Because his mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be. —Karen G. from Port Angeles, WA

Fern D. from Toms River, NJ

What do you call a blindfolded dinosaur? An I-don't-think-he-saw-us. —Fern D. from Toms River, NJ

Terri M. from Annadale, MN

What did the snail say when it rode on the turtle's back? WHEEEEEEE! —Terri M. from Annadale, MN

Kathleen C. from Lewiston, NY

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels. —Kathleen C. from Lewiston, NY

Jean M. from Holbrook, MA

What do you call a man with a 3-piece suit who is sitting in a tree? A branch manager. —Jean M. from Holbrook, MA

Mindi W. from Sanford, FL

What do you call a deer with no eyes? "No eye deer!" (No idea!) —Mindi W. from Sanford, FL

Deborah L. from London, Canada

What did one tomato say to the other tomato? Go ahead, I'll catch up! —Deborah L. from London, Canada

Karen H. from Seatac, WA

What is a frog's favorite soft drink? Croak-A-Cola —Karen H. from Seatac, WA

Krystin O. from West Seneca, NY

What did one traffic light say to another traffic light? "Hey, don't look, I'm changing!" —Krystin O. from West Seneca, NY

Krystin O. from West Seneca, NY

What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? You would think it's the ARRRR but it's the sea! —Krystin O. from West Seneca, NY

Madi R. @MadiJ24

Wanna hear a bird joke? No? Well, this is hawkward.. —Madi R. @MadiJ24

Madi R. @MadiJ24

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crummy! —Madi R. @MadiJ24

Liz Hess @Lizzy_B1

What kind of car does a ghost drive? Boo-icks! —Liz Hess @Lizzy_B1

Jocelyn Molina @its_fudge

Why is the ocean blue? Because the fish say, "Bloo! Bloo! Bloo!" —Jocelyn Molina @its_fudge

Virginia Rayment @VirginiaRayment

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it!!! —Virginia Rayment @VirginiaRayment

Kat Race @Kat_Race

What is red but smells like blue paint? Red paint. —Kat Race @Kat_Race


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47 days ago

Here is my son Bryan's joke:
Why did a mouse carry a ladder to school?...So he could get to high school.

Why did the mouse take a ruler to bed?...So he could measure how long he slept.

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JoAnn Fisher
135 days ago

What does one math book say to another math book.............Boy do I have problems!!!!

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Leslie W
296 days ago

My joke is:
When you walk into a restroom you are an American. When you walk out of the restroom you are an American. What are you when you are in the restroom? ...... Answer is......
You are a European!!!!!

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302 days ago


Last season I saw one of your episodes where you made jokes about what to do if you came across a bear and/or other warnings. What I remember is it was the funniest thing to me at that time. I was very sick with the flu at the time and remember cracking up. You were displaying a "stick figure" poster or something of the like and your jokes were hysterical. I'm trying to find that now to show my daughter. Can you tell me where to find it on your website? Thanks Ellen!

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Kelly Collinsworth
446 days ago

Here's my classic funny joke!!

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."


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Erin-Beth Duddles
532 days ago

Why did the bean cross the ocean?
Because he was a navy bean!

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danielle k
629 days ago

Why did the farmer go back to school? He wanted to weed better!

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