Classic jokes

Ellen

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.-Ellen

Ellen

What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall? Dam.-Ellen

Ellen

What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?-Ellen

Ellen

What did the horse say when he fell over? Help! I've fallen and I can't giddy up!-Ellen

Ellen

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.-Ellen

@MarnieDev

What do you call a seagull that lives by the bay? A bagel.-@MarnieDev

Ellen

Why did the Indian Chief have so many hats? To keep his wigwam.-Ellen

Ellen

What street does the ghost live on? A dead end.-Ellen

Ellen

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite.-Ellen

Ellen

What did the pumpkin fencing champion say to his opponent? En gourd!-Ellen

Ellen

What was the pessimist's blood type? B negative.--Ellen

Ellen

Why was the strawberry in trouble? He got in a jam!--Ellen

Ellen

What's a pirate's favorite place to visit? Argentina!--Ellen

Ellen

How did the rabbit propose to his girlfriend? With a 14 carrot ring.--Ellen

Ellen

What sound does a bird's phone make? Wing wing!--Ellen

Ellen

Why am I wearing a tutu? Because the one one was to small and the three three was too big.--Ellen

Ellen

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils.--Ellen

Ellen

Why couldn't the pony sing? Because he was a little horse.--Ellen

Ellen

What did the ghost say to the bee? "Boo bee!"--Ellen

Lauren Graham

Guess what I'm making for Thanksgiving. Reservations.--Lauren Graham

Elaine B.

Why don't elephants play poker in the jungle? Too many "cheetahs."--Elaine B.

Tabatha E.

What do you give a sick pig to make him better? Oinkment.--Tabatha E.

Bailey G.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? A mirror.--Bailey G.

Renee R.

Why did the peanut call 911? Because it was a salted.--Renee R.

Emily S.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because it was feeling crumby.--Emily S.

Erik S. from Falun, Sweden

How do you know if a patient is an alcoholic? If the doctor gives him a shot.--Erik S. from Falun, Sweden

Connie B.

What sits on the bottom if the ocean and shakes? A nervous wreck.--Connie B.

Eva S. from Phoenix, Arizona

Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog? He wanted to "get a long little doggy."--Eva S. from Phoenix, Arizona

Erica S. from Battle Ground, Washington

Wanna hear a good joke about pizza? Never mind, it's too cheesy.--Erica S. from Battle Ground, Washington

Alejandra R. from Calgary, Alberta

What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear.--Alejandra R. from Calgary, Alberta

Myranda M.

What did the pillow say when it fell off the bed? "Oh sheet!"--Myranda M.

Jayla T. from Edmonton, Alberta

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle.--Jayla T. from Edmonton, Alberta

David L.

What was the Energizer Bunny arrested for? Battery.--David L.

The Ellen DeGeneres Appreciation Society on Facebook

What do you call a bunch of Barbies standing in a row? A Barbie queue.--The Ellen DeGeneres Appreciation Society on Facebook

Caitlyn L.

Why do melons always have big weddings? Because they cantaloupe.--Caitlyn L.

Jennifer K. from Pensacola, Florida

Whats brown & sticky? A stick.--Jennifer K. from Pensacola, Florida

Beth K. from Manassas, VA

Why don't witches have babies? Because their husbands have holloweenies.--Beth K. from Manassas, VA

Liz K. from Irwin, PA

What would you find on a haunted beach? A sand-witch!--Liz K. from Irwin, PA

Beth D. from Ktichener, Canada

Why was the bee flying down the road with its legs crossed? It was looking for a BP station!--Beth D. from Ktichener, Canada

Cheryl-Lynn Z. from Wetaskiwin Alberta, Canada

What do you call a fish with no eyes? FFFFSH--Cheryl-Lynn Z. from Wetaskiwin Alberta, Canada

Becky G. from Saint Clair Shores, MI

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence??? Time to get a new fence!!!--Becky G. from Saint Clair Shores, MI

Karen G. from Port Angeles, WA

Why was the period crying? Because his mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.--Karen G. from Port Angeles, WA

Fern D. from Toms River, NJ

What do you call a blindfolded dinosaur? An I-don't-think-he-saw-us.--Fern D. from Toms River, NJ

Terri M. from Annadale, MN

What did the snail say when it rode on the turtle's back? WHEEEEEEE!--Terri M. from Annadale, MN

Kathleen C. from Lewiston, NY

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.--Kathleen C. from Lewiston, NY

Jean M. from Holbrook, MA

What do you call a man with a 3-piece suit who is sitting in a tree? A branch manager.--Jean M. from Holbrook, MA

Mindi W. from Sanford, FL

What do you call a deer with no eyes? "No eye deer!" (No idea!)--Mindi W. from Sanford, FL

Deborah L. from London, Canada

What did one tomato say to the other tomato? Go ahead, I'll catch up!--Deborah L. from London, Canada

Karen H. from Seatac, WA

What is a frog's favorite soft drink? Croak-A-Cola--Karen H. from Seatac, WA

Krystin O. from West Seneca, NY

What did one traffic light say to another traffic light? "Hey, don't look, I'm changing!"--Krystin O. from West Seneca, NY

Krystin O. from West Seneca, NY

What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet? You would think it's the ARRRR but it's the sea!--Krystin O. from West Seneca, NY

Madi R. @MadiJ24

Wanna hear a bird joke? No? Well, this is hawkward..--Madi R. @MadiJ24

Madi R. @MadiJ24

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crummy!--Madi R. @MadiJ24

Liz Hess @Lizzy_B1

What kind of car does a ghost drive? Boo-icks!--Liz Hess @Lizzy_B1

Jocelyn Molina @its_fudge

Why is the ocean blue? Because the fish say, "Bloo! Bloo! Bloo!"--Jocelyn Molina @its_fudge

Virginia Rayment @VirginiaRayment

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it!!!--Virginia Rayment @VirginiaRayment

Kat Race @Kat_Race

What is red but smells like blue paint? Red paint.--Kat Race @Kat_Race

Ellen