We always say it’s the “best thing since sliced bread.” Yes, sliced bread is great. But they still don’t sell slices of bread in single-slice packages like they sell cheese. That’s a great invention. Why don’t we say, “It’s the best thing since sliced and individually packaged cheese?” You know who’s the real unsung hero of inventions? Squeeze-top jelly. That’s what we should be saying, “It’s the best thing since squeeze-top jelly.” I think we should be able to get other things in a squeeze tube. Like why not squeeze-top Cheetos? Actually, they should sell them with a dispenser, like Pez. Or just have a cannon so you can shoot them into your mouth. I hope someone is writing this down… oh, wait a minute, I am.

The latest thing is the soap that looks like a liquid, but when it comes out it’s instantly foamy. You don’t have to lather. I mean that’s gonna save you a good three seconds. You used to burn calories while you’d lather. Not anymore. We’re all gonna have fat hands. And you know what they say, “fat hands are the devil’s playground.” I think I missed my calling. I should’ve been an inventor. Here’s another one… high protein fudge. Do ya hear me, ladies?

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