I just read that there’s a helium shortage. They’ve cut back production overseas. That’s where we get the crude helium. And then we refine it and put it in balloon animals. You think it’s not a big deal unless you’re a clown or a car dealer, or you own a balloon store, or you’re a blimp pilot. I know there are blimp pilots reading this right now, exclaiming, “Finally, someone’s talking about it.” My point is, please conserve your helium!

I was never a big fan of balloons. If you’re giving them or getting them, at some point you have to drive with them and that’s dangerous. Especially if you just turned age 1. A 1-year-old driving with a balloon is scary. I mean, if there’s one balloon it's dangerous. If you’re 45, they’re all packed in there. If you’re 1 or 2, they’re floating around and coming at you. It’s like setting a parrot free in your car. And if you make it to the party with the balloons, you’re still not safe. There’s nothing safe about lit candles next to a balloon filled with helium. “Go ahead honey blow out the candles. I’ll be waiting in the next room.”